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The bird says, “Tweet tweet!”

The dog says, “Seriously Chris, why haven’t you bought me the Dog Tracker 2000? Rex next door has got one. The hounds down the park are laughing at me.”

Bored of putting together that PowerPoint? Call your dog and see how its day is going.

Not got anyone to have lunch with? Give your cat a nudge (and face the inevitable disappointment of it ignoring you, the bastard).

“Nice keeping in touch with our furry kids”, reads one Amazon review. We’re not sure if they actually use this to communicate with their abnormally hairy children they keep locked in a basement, or if they’re just overly attached to their dogs.

What is it? Oh just a badass GoPro harness for your dog.

Sling a GoPro camera (sold separately) on the back of, or underneath, your pooch and head out on the most extreme walkies session in history.

No, we’ve got no idea what you do with the video afterwards. Upload it to YouTube? Show it to your nan?

What is it? A GPS tracking collar for your cat.

Your cat probably doesn’t do much when you’re out at work. It’s probably just sitting around at home being a lazy tosser, getting up to wash itself occasionally or sit on some washing you’ve not been able to put away.

But every now and then, it’ll bugger off on a grand adventure that you never get to follow – unless you’ve got a Pawtrack slung about its neck.

Do note – after a year’s use, there’s a monthly charge of £4.99. You don’t get to intrude on the privacy of your cat for free.

Lasers are amazing. They can read data. They can send data. They can turn your cat into a spinning vortex of fluff and claws. Seriously, if you’ve never mucked about with a laser pen and your cat, you’re missing out.

The FroliCat Bolt takes the wristwork out of the equation, tracing a random pattern around the room for your cat to chase. Just don’t go setting it up near any balconies or staircases, okay?

What is it? An LED coat for your dog that partners to a smartphone app, allowing you to change its flashing patterns and write custom messages.

Essentially, turn your pooch into a walking billboard. Great for keeping it safe at night, and making every other dog in the area look deeply feeble. Having successfully smashed its Kickstarter project, there’s no word yet on when these will be available, but keep an eye on their website.

Go Dog Go automatic fetch machine

What is it? A dog grooming tool from the suckers at Dyson.

Up there with changing the oil on your car and tax returns, grooming the dog is one of those jobs that no one looks forward to.

Dyson has made the whole process a hell of a lot easier (provided you own one of their vacuum cleaners) with the Groom extension: stick it on the hose, drag the brush through your mutt’s hair. Rather than being spread around your entire living room, the brush design captures the loose hairs and feeds them into the nozzle. Life saver.

This could go one of two ways: if you’ve got a stupid dog, this is an expensive way of proving that. If you’ve got a smart dog, this is an expensive way of making them a smart, fat dog. Still, good fun to watch.

People are getting paid to queue for the iPhone 7

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